I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR WANTING TO WRITE POEMS, BUT I DON'T QUITE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY "BEING A POET"...

My wife, a liberal arts major in college, took a course in her freshman year that she affectionately called Astronomy for Poets. She learned basic astronomy, studied the constellations, and viewed planets and stars for the first time through a telescope. Cool. She loved the course and signed up for the second in the series in her sophomore year.

Big mistake. The professor started the first class by announcing, "Well, now that we're all here for something beyond fulfilling the basic science requirement, we can get down to work." My wife's reaction as she looked around the room was Uh-oh. There were eight students in the class-- six astronomy majors, one physics major, and one political science major: her. Not good. The course covered spherical trigonometry, sidereal time, parallax motion, optics, and a lot of other astronomy stuff that was of no interest or use to people not majoring in astronomy. My wife stuck it out, but broke the sound barrier getting to the registrar's office to change her status to pass-fail.

My wife's college and her Astronomy for Poets course weren't unique. Although they're listed in course catalogs with less irreverent titles, there's Physics for Poets, Chemistry for Poets, Rocks for Jocks (Introduction to Geology). "Poet" is a metaphor for "enlightened amateur," a person who wants to know something about astronomy-- or physics, chemistry, or geology -- but who doesn't want to get lost in the minutiae that only science majors need and love.

3 Steps to Yes is the persuasion equivalent of Astronomy for Poets. Here, "Poets" is a metaphor for people who must get others to agree with them, ordinary people who need to move others from no or maybe to yes, but who don't want to spend their lives learning and perfecting sales and negotiation strategies. Moreover, Poets must persuade gently, eschewing the coercion and manipulation that professional persuaders use, but that tend to corrode personal relationships.

In 3 Steps to Yes, "Poets" are the enlightened amateurs of persuasion. They're managers, employees, parents, spouses, teachers, students, business executives, lawyers, accountants, consultants, investment bankers, job seekers, and, yes, even poets. They may even be people who sell for a living.

But "Poets" are not hard-core, high-pressure salespeople and negotiators, people who care only about winning and not about the quality of their long-term relationships with the people they persuade. Poets care about being liked and accepted, and avoid doing anything they feel might hurt their personal relationships.

Nevertheless, Poets must persuade.

THE POET PERSUADER

As this book neared completion, I needed a publicist, a professional public-relations person to help tell the world about my book. I narrowed my search to three firms, each run by a woman founder/entrepreneur. They were all strong, self-confident professionals working in the heart of the New York City publishing world, where only the most intelligent and influential succeed. So I was unprepared for their strong Poet aversion to persuading.

As it turned out, each woman disliked selling, and worked hard to appear not to be trying to persuade me. Each one seemed to operate on the theory that persuasion was unnecessary, even unseemly, and that if she simply described what she did, I'd automatically conclude that she was the best. But it doesn't work that way.

This was an important decision, so I met with the head of each firm personally. The women were competent, hardworking, and enthusiastic, and they were anxious for me to believe they could help me. They were intelligent, articulate professionals, perhaps even brilliant, but they Talked Without Communicating. My last meeting was typical, although also the most frustrating of the three.

I'd heard from an independent source that this person was "the best," so I went into this final meeting prepared to make a positive decision. I had a book about to be published, I needed help getting the word out, and I wanted to put this behind me. I was a soft pitch ready to be hit over the outfield fence. But it was not to be.

She refused to try to persuade me. Instead we played "Stump the Band," with me asking the questions and trying to guess why she was the best choice. At one point I asked her outright, "Why won't you just tell me why I should hire you instead of someone else? Honest, I won't think less of you if you tell me why you're better than people you clearly don't think are as good as you are."

Her response was that she didn't feel comfortable selling herself, telling me why she was better. She knew she was the best, but she wanted me to figure it out for myself based on her objective presentation of facts. All three women, though, told me nearly the same facts about their firms: "We work hard for our clients." "All our clients come to us through word-of-mouth recommendations." "We're well connected with the print, radio, and TV media." "We have an impressive list of successful and satisfied clients." I couldn't distinguish among the different stories and capabilities, because all said essentially the same good and impressive things.

Even the woman I was predisposed to choose didn't give me what I needed to make a decision. She was not persuasive. If I were to make a decision based on the three meetings, I might just as well have flipped a coin.

SELL YOURSELF

These three women were Poets who needed to sell in the classic sense, to get someone to pay money for their services. But you don't have to be a CEO or a professional salesperson to have to sell yourself, your ideas, or your services.

In everyday life, a Poet can be a parent persuading a child to drive sensibly or avoid drugs, or a caring son or daughter persuading an elderly parent to move to a nursing home. A Poet can be a manager persuading a boss to approve her budget or an employee to work over the weekend; a job candidate persuading an interviewer about his qualifications; a lawyer, accountant, or other professional persuading a client; or a wife persuading her husband to vacation trekking in Maine instead of visiting his old college roommate in Minnesota.

For Poets, persuasion is serious life stuff. The people in your life won't do what you want just because you happen to be right. They need to be persuaded. And if you're right, if it's in everyone's best interest that you get your way, it's not just your job to persuade them, it's your responsibility. Sometimes even your moral responsibility.

You're responsible as a parent to persuade your children to do what's right. It's your job to persuade your clients or prospects to make the best decision. You must persuade the person interviewing you to hire you if you're the right person for the job, and it's your responsibility to persuade your boss to approve your plans and budgets if they're the best for the company. You owe it to your friends, spouse, or parents to persuade them to make good decisions. If you're a professional salesperson, you owe it to your company and to your family to persuade people to buy what you're selling.

But you also have a responsibility to yourself to be persuasive, because there's little that can affect your life as profoundly as your ability to sell yourself, your ideas, and your services. It's the difference between having good ideas and having others put your good ideas into action; the difference between providing excellent service and having clients willing to pay you to provide the service; the difference between having the ability to lead and being given the opportunity to lead. If you're a professional salesperson, persuasion is the difference between being in line for a promotion and standing in the unemployment line.

Persuasion is the difference between having potential and achieving your potential. It's what connects being smart and working hard with making partner or vice-president. It's the link between being a caring parent and having your children embrace your values. It's an essential ingredient in turning a competent, trustworthy, hardworking Poet into a winner in everyday life.

Unfortunately, Poets sense a downside to persuasion. They know that the process of getting your way, of getting people to do what you want, can cause conflict and tension that can slowly destroy the relationship between persuader and persuadee. It's enough to make Poets think "It's not worth it." They identify persuasion with high-pressure, manipulative selling and cutthroat negotiation, and are often reluctant to persuade.

Get over it. Whether you're a parent, manager, CEO, teacher, job seeker, spouse, friend, or salesperson, persuasion is a natural and necessary element of life. If you hope to do what's right for yourself, your family, and the people in your everyday life, you must sell yourself, your ideas, and your services. But you must persuade gently, in a way that wins people's lasting respect, loyalty, and friendship, in a way that strengthens rather than hurts your personal relationships.

To persuade gently, you mustn't think in terms of winning or imposing your will. Instead, you must think of persuasion as effective communication. Specifically:

• Selling yourself means communicating so effectively that people will accept that you are what you want them to believe you are.
• Selling your ideas means communicating so effectively that people accept your ideas as valid and valuable, and act on them.
• Selling your services means communicating so effectively that people use services you personally provide.

Imagine the personal power of people who have mastered those skills. Imagine the difference it could make to you personally if you could consistently persuade people to do what you want them to do, and believe what you want them to believe about you, just through the power of effective communication. It's a power so valuable that most people would use a free wish to master it if they were to happen across the right magic lamp. It's right up there with fantasies like being able to read minds or see into the future.

Okay, snap out of it. Being able to persuade gently, to sell yourself and at the same time win people's respect and loyalty, doesn't require a magic lamp. When your ideas and proposals have merit and you persuade people through effective communication, you'll achieve your potential and strengthen your relationships. Life will be good.

That's why you need this book.

THE PLAN

There you are, facing someone you need to persuade, but someone whose goodwill you value. It could be a prospective client, but it could also be your boss, an interviewer, your spouse or your child. Maybe there's a lot at stake, maybe not. If you make the sale, and if it's done at no cost to your relationship, you'll achieve some part of your potential, you'll add another brick or two to whatever you're building with your life. If you're not persuasive, life goes on and nothing changes.

If you're like most people, you face this same situation several times a week, maybe even several times a day. You need a plan.

Three Steps to Yes is an ethical approach to persuading people. There are only three steps, because a hundred steps, or fifty steps, or even twenty-five steps are too many to remember, internalize, and use in the press of everyday life. Lots of steps means lots of complexity, and if it's complicated you can't make it a natural part of your life. If it's not a natural part of your life, your life won't change.

But the Three-Step Plan can change your life. It shows you how to deal with people so they'll do what you ask or believe what you want them to believe, even when competitors -- the guy in the next office, your children's peers, rivals calling on your clients -- try to undermine your efforts. And the plan shows you how to do it in a way that's not manipulative and that doesn't rely on selling and negotiating tricks.

The next part of this Introduction explains the difference between forced persuasion and gentle persuasion. Then the book treats each of the plan's three steps in three separate parts.

In Step 1, "Fulfill Personal Needs," you'll learn why people resist letting you get your way, and how to eliminate their resistance by focusing on their needs and anxieties instead of your own. We'll examine how to avoid consensus-destroying tension and conflict, and how to make getting your way a stress-free process.

In Step 2, "Be Credible," we'll identify the personal characteristics that determine credibility, as expressed through three core values that can entirely change your relationships with others and that, together, are almost a magic formula for becoming a naturally persuasive person.

In Step 3, "Communicate Persuasively," you'll learn how to tune in to how people listen and how they decide who and what to believe. We'll examine what you say and how you say it and learn to communicate so effectively that people will voluntarily let you get your way.

Twenty-one Gentle Persuasion Habits, spread throughout, are designed to help you put the Three-Step Plan into practice. These habits are no-nonsense, real-world advice on how to treat people you care about and how to communicate with them so you'll win their minds without losing their hearts.

The Three-Step Plan and the Gentle Persuasion Habits are not tricks for manipulating people or selling anything to anyone. They're principles that go to the heart of your personality and values, the way you think about and deal with people, and the way you communicate. The Three-Step Plan is simple, intuitive, and consistent with the value systems of all good people. If you live your life, treat people, and communicate according to the tenets of the plan, you'll be naturally persuasive and you'll get your way while improving the quality of your relationships. You'll win people's hearts as well as their minds.

Now that's a plan.